By Loren Hardin-
This is part two of a series about marriage. I’m apprehensively sharing what God has taught me, through 43 years of marriage, in the hope that some of you may learn from my mistakes and perhaps avoid some pitfalls. Each week, I plan on opening up with the following exhortation, “Oh mothers tell your children not to do what I have done,” (“The House of the Rising Sun”, The Animals, 1964). The writer of the book of Hebrews explains: “If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with his sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness, to those who have been trained by it,” (Hebrews 12:7-11). I’m here to tell you that I have been “trained by it”.
In part one I shared about sitting at our kitchen table over 40 years ago praying, “God if only Susie would.” The “chastening” and “training” began right then and there. God interceded and interjected: “What are you doing to show Susie that she is the most important person in the world to you? There’s never an excuse for unholy behavior. You are responsible to me no matter what anybody else does. You just put me first and I will take care of the rest.”
A month or so later Susie and I were together but the words of Paul Tournier, Swiss physician, poignantly described our marriage, “Each one speaks primarily in order to set forth his own ideas, in order to justify himself. Courtship’s beautiful curiosity has been lost. The thirst for discovery and for understanding has been dried up, they live side by side, but poles apart.” (To Understand Each Other, Paul Tournier, 1962).
As I again sat at our kitchen table praying, or sighing, I concluded, “If things don’t work out I can always leave.” Then the “chastening” and “training” resumed. I didn’t hear God’s voice but his message came through loud and clear, “There’s no back door. Either you are going to be happily married or miserably married. It’s up to you. As long as you entertain the idea of leaving you will never do the work that is necessary.” When we entertain the idea of leaving we already have one foot out the door don’t we? We are already half-gone.”
I’m talking to men, to husbands now. When “the going gets tough” we are tempted to slip out the back, to desert, aren’t we? The Apostle Paul stated, “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man.” (1Corinthians 10:12-13). That’s why most men commonly and typically identify with movies like “The Patriot”, “Top Gun”, “Spiderman”, “Superman the Movie”, “Rocky”, the list could go on and on. The common theme is the hero withdrawing then coming back. Lines like, “I won’t leave my wingman”, “All men die, but not all men live”, “The eye of the tiger” and “Stay the course”, strike a divinely in-scripted sentimental chord inside us, don’t they?
I’m reminded of a relevant speech by Lou Holtz, the legendary college football coach, presented at the 2015 commencement ceremony of the Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio: “Life doesn’t have to be complicated. I was taught by my parents that life is a matter of making choices. Wherever you are, good or bad, it’s because of the choices you’ve made; and don’t blame anybody else. There is a rule of life- you are either dying or you are growing and so is a marriage, so is a person. If you want to fail you have the right to fail. You don’t have the right to cause other people to fail because you refuse to do everything to the best of your ability. When you join a spouse, when you bring a child into the world, when you join a business, when you join a team, you have obligations and responsibility and you owe it to other people to do the maximum you can in each and everything you do. It’s not complicated- do what’s right, do everything to the best of your ability, show people you care- those three words: trust, commitment, love. If you want to be happy for a day, play golf. If you want to be happy for a lifetime, put your faith in Jesus Christ.” (YouTube, “Lou Holtz”)
My friend and former pastor, Charlie, recently commented, “I would rather see a man’s name in the obituary section of the newspaper than in the divorce section, because if there was love in the beginning there will be sorrow in the end.” There are legitimate and Biblical grounds for divorce, but it’s much easier to move on without regrets when you know you’ve “done the maximum you can”; when you can look back and say, “I left it all on the court”.
We can’t control what others do or how they respond, we can’t control what happens next, but we can choose how we respond to it. Looking back, 40 years, three beautiful daughters, and four grandchildren later, I’m so glad I didn’t slip out the back. I was so close, but thank God He dealt with me as a son, and “what son is there whom a father does not chasten.”
Loren Hardin is a social worker with SOMC-Hospice and can be reached at (740) 357-6091 or at lorenhardin53@gmail.com. You can order Loren’s book, “Straight Paths: Insights for living from those who have finished the course” at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
