By Sherry Larson
People’s Defender
She described her Dad smelling of beer and Gold Listerine – that’s what she remembers when he visited her and her sister’s bedroom to say “goodnight.”
“When a child has an alcoholic parent, they have to traverse the emotional web of addiction without even realizing it.* They see the neglect and abuse, even if they can’t name them. They feel a parent’s absence or inconsistency and often blame themselves—children believe they’re somehow responsible for their dysfunctional family, and they internalize the chaos around them and hope to keep everything afloat.”(Tara Brach)
The Defender spoke with a young woman about her memories, relationship, and reconciliation with her alcoholic father. She shared, “I would see my Dad at the dinner table, and then right before I went to bed. I never saw him in the morning, and I never saw him after school. He was never at any of my games or events or anything like that. I don’t remember having an honest conversation with my Dad. It was all surface level.” And continued, “The most I saw him at one time at our house was when he had buddies over drinking on the porch or in the kitchen.” But there were Sundays – she saw him on Sundays because it was a day for the family to gather, watch football games, and have dinner, which always included alcohol. She said, “I can’t remember one of those Sundays that he didn’t have a Rolling Rock in his hand the whole time.” Then she opens her childhood refrigerator in her mind’s eye and describes the contents, “I see Rolling Rock, Snapple, and this one Tupperware with a red lid that was broken on the corner, and it had pasta salad in it. That’s what I remember.”
When her father was responsible for caregiving and providing dinner, he would take her and her sister to a local bar and have them hang out in the shuffleboard room. Hours later, he would come and get them and drive them home while under the influence.
Although her father wasn’t aggressive towards her, she explained that he was abusive to her mother and witnessed his aggression on more than one occasion. “I feel like it skewed my perception of a safe space. And I think it gave me a false representation of what love and relationships were supposed to look like.”
She told of the long trips, affairs, and her parent’s separate sleeping quarters.
By the age of 13, she was drinking too. That’s when she learned of her father’s illness – Parkinson’s Disease. Those were just empty words to a young teenage girl – nothing visible – just words and life was business as usual.
She left home right after high school and navigated through college and adulthood without close contact with her father. Unfortunately, she had developed some of the same habits, went into active drinking, and chalked it up to her “gene pool.” But in college, she also gained clarity and realized freewill’s role in one’s life. She knew her father could have consciously decided to get sober. She saw the way other people lived. She said, “My brain had developed enough for me to see that there was an alternative way to live.” And she became bitter, and with the bitterness came more “justifiable” drinking. She didn’t speak to her father for two years.
One day she received a text from her dad that said, “712 days.” She answered with a ?. He replied, “That’s the last time we talked.” She explained that he wasn’t trying to reach out and make amends. He wanted her to realize she had not called him in 712 days. He was making a point, which didn’t impress her, but she called him. They talked things out, and he told her that his illness had progressed, and doctors had to amputate his leg. They began a distanced relationship where they spoke every couple of months.
During her senior year of college, she went home to care for her Dad after his surgery. She shared, “It was then that I saw him as a broken man, and I wasn’t angry at him anymore. I felt really bad and sad for him.” She confided in him that she was drinking a lot too, but he jokingly responded that it was in the bloodline. She felt hopeless. How could her dad not take this seriously? And it was haunting thinking this was her destiny.
Her Dad ended up in a nursing facility. She fluctuated between anger and pity for him. She said, “He drank his way through his life just to get sick and end up in a nursing home. About four years ago, she went to visit him in the home. At the time, she was on a four-month “break” from drinking after getting a DUI. When she walked in, he was naked and covered in feces. He couldn’t get up to get his leg, and she had to pick him up, clean him, and help him with his leg. She describes the experience as “horrible.” “At that moment, I decided he deserves to be treated with kindness until he goes because his resistance is awful. I believe the universe is punishing him for what he did.” She started drinking again.
A little over two years ago, after her second DUI, she stopped drinking and sought counseling. She describes her relationship with alcohol as an abusive relationship. “I’ve fought off and on with alcohol my whole life, and I miss it every single day – but I know it’s the worst thing for me,” she shared.
Her relationship with her Dad is still on a surface level. She said, “It’s not rooted in love, and it’s not rooted in family. It’s obligatory, and it’s empathetic.” And those “goodnight” wishes prompted by her mother’s urging leave her with a vivid memory. “He would speak Spanish to me and smell like alcohol, and that’s all I really remember.”