By Sherry Larson

People’s Defender

“Grief is neither a problem to be solved nor a problem to be overcome. It is a sacred expression of love – a sacred sorrow,” Dr. Gerald May, M.D.

Grief is not so linear. In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross came out with her five stages of the grief cycle in the book, On Death and Dying. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are fluid and personal. Brené Brown explains in her 2021 book, Atlas of the Heart, “Almost all of the recent research actually refutes the idea that grief progresses in predictable, sequenced stages.” Author Elizabeth Gilbert says, “Grief does not obey your plans or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, grief has a lot in common with love.” Grieving people need the space to grieve and limitless grace from those around them.

People experience grief in personal and unpredictable ways. The People’s Defender initiated an online Facebook survey asking, “What are some of the things that cause grief?” Here are some of the answers proving that varying occurrences trigger grief: death, divorce, miscarriage, unmet expectations, a breakup, watching someone suffer from addiction or mental health issues and being unable to help, Alzheimer’s, loss of job, and relocation.

The Center for Prolonged Grief describes grief and adapting to a loss. Acute grief occurs shortly after loss and engulfs the bereaved’s life for an extended period. They often experience painful emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, or shame. Adapting to loss includes acceptance and restoration. The bereaved will begin to deal with the reality of death and prepare for the future. Integrated grief becomes a part of a person’s life. “When a person adapts to a loss, grief is not over. It doesn’t mean that we’re sad for the rest of our lives; it means that grief finds a place in our lives. Imagine a world in which we honor that place in ourselves and others rather than hiding it, ignoring it, or pretending it doesn’t exist because of fear or shame.” Prolonged grief disorder (PGD) is a type of grief that is continual and invasive. PGD interferes with a bereaved’s ability to function, dominates their mind, and makes engaging in life difficult.

We live in a society that would like us to get back at it, power through, and move forward. Seeing folks grieve is uncomfortable and challenging to navigate. But there is no set length of proper grieving time; likely, you will grieve to some degree forever. Grief expert David Kessler wrote a book entitled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Kessler notes that folks’ understanding of meaning in loss is crucial. He states, “Wherever you find it, meaning matters, and meaning heals.” He describes that some find meaning in the belief of an afterlife, others in memories, or in being present when a loved one passes. There is no easy answer to why someone dies, leaves, or betrays us. There isn’t a satisfying response to getting cancer or losing your job. But finding meaning helps one reconcile. Kessler states, “Healing doesn’t mean the loss didn’t happen. It means that it no longer controls us.”

The Center for Prolonged Grief offers these HEALING milestones:

• “Honor your loved one and yourself; discover your own interests and values.

• Ease emotional pain; Open yourself up to emotions – both painful and pleasant ones; trust that you can deal with emotional pain; it doesn’t control you.

• Accept grief and let it find a place in your life.

• Learn to live with reminders of your loss.

• Integrate memories of your loved ones; let them enrich your life and help you learn and grow.

• Narrate stories of the death for yourself; share them with others.

• Gather others around you; connect with your community, let people in, and let them support you.”

Long after we have lost someone or something, grief can revisit us. Brown writes about such familiar grief, “A grief we’ve come to know and understand and even integrate into our lives—can surprise us again and again.” A recent Disney commercial starts with, “What is grief but love persevering?” Love perseveres, and grief doesn’t end. Sometimes a sound, a smell, or catching a glimpse of a memory can make us spillover. Not long ago, my tears shed over Penrose Sausages – hot pickled deliciousness. My daddy loved them! They were on the grocery store shelf, an unassuming jar of Penrose Sausages, causing me to gulp hard and fight back gushing streams in the middle of unsuspecting customers. These folks weren’t asking for an invite to my story or this moment. Everyone was hustling and bustling through the store, carrying their personal narratives. And, I was wondering who else wanted to cry in aisle 10?

We are all living broken hallelujahs. Life is beautiful, but there is also loss, grief, empty chairs, and expectations. There is someone out there who is one Penrose Sausage jar away from a gushing mess, and they just need a little grace – it might be you. Go easy on one another.