By Julia Bowen
Throughout the course of this past year, I have struggled with some very heavy issues. Although this is very personal to me and hard to share, I figured that sharing my journey has the potential to help others that may be struggling.
Around December of 2019, I developed several eating disorders and the severity of my depression got worse than it ever has before. I was sick. In my mind, I thought there was nothing anybody could do or say to fix what I was going through. So even though I was quite literally surrounded by family who loved me, my depression told me to deal with the majority of these issues on my own.
I would go days without eating. Sometimes, even up to a week. It got to the point where I would avoid walking in my kitchen because I knew if I did, I would eat. If I did work up the courage to eat something it was always minimal, yet any consumption of food would lead to me hating myself, causing me to use very unhealthy methods to feel hungry again. Even if I ate the smallest thing, I would have panic attacks and hyperventilate if I knew that my stomach was not completely empty.
I did an intense workout every single night, no matter what. And no matter what I did, I still didn’t feel “good enough”. Every morning I’d go straight to the scale, and my worth for that day would be based on the number shown. This process was my life for almost 9 months.
People would congratulate me on my weight loss and comment on how good I looked. I had a few people congratulate me on “getting healthy,” when in reality I was the sickest I have ever been in my life. I was starving, mentally exhausted, and felt like I could pass out at any given moment. I know these people were only trying to be nice and compliment me. They didn’t know the methods that I was using to lose weight so fast. However, hearing those words only motivated me to keep going. I was finally moving in the direction of achieving my goal! So in my head at the time, I thought if other people were saying I look so good and I was finally losing weight, why would I change what I was doing?
But inside, I was giving up on myself.
I was letting myself go more and more as the days went on. I was so exhausted. I was so consumed with this idea of having to be skinny to be pretty, that I didn’t know how else to live my life. So the cycle continued.
Every day was a constant battle inside my head and my heart.
Every day I had to make the conscious decision not to eat.
Every day I would have to feel my stomach growl to feel acceptable.
Every day I would stand in front of a mirror and pick myself apart, pointing out every flaw.
Every day I told myself that I was not worthy. That I was not enough.
I would question why life was even worth living if this is all it would be?
The turning point for me came when I realized that the methods in which I was losing weight so quickly wouldn’t last long term. I couldn’t continue to deprive my body of the resources that it needs to function and live. Your body needs nourishing food. Over time, it will shut down without it.
I started by doing one, simple thing to help myself, and if you are going through something similar, I encourage you to do the same. I unfollowed every single celebrity, model, and social influencer on social media who I would compare myself to in an unhealthy way. I realized that people only post on social media what they have complete control over, and what they want you to see. If all I saw everyday while scrolling through Instagram were pictures of girls who were substantially smaller and skinnier than me, I would never get better. All it did was make me not want to eat.
Instead, I followed accounts that encouraged body positivity, showing me that all bodies are beautiful. I followed accounts that promoted a HEALTHY mindset.
If you’re struggling with body image or any kind of eating disorder, DITCH. THE. SCALE.
I cannot stress how important this is! I haven’t weighed myself in months and that alone is allowing me to be so much healthier mentally. THAT NUMBER DOES NOT DEFINE YOUR WORTH!
Taking those steps were the best changes that I’ve ever made to my life. To this day, I still follow those accounts, to remind myself that recovery is worth it, and that there are healthy ways to lose weight.
It has now been 11 months from when this mess all started, and I can finally say that I AM HEALTHY! I eat when I’m hungry. I don’t have to feel my stomach growl to feel worthy anymore. Depression doesn’t dictate my thoughts. Now I let in all of those many people around me who give me endless love and support.
I’ve always believed in the saying “everything happens for a reason.” While I was going through all of this, I often questioned what that reason could be. I couldn’t think of one reason why I had to be going through so much pain. I now believe the reason was so I could use what I went through to help other people. I believe that God didn’t want to put me through pain, but He knew I would come out of it stronger and happier than ever. He knew that I could use it to inspire other people. If my story can help at least one person who is hurting in silence like I was, then it’s all worth it to me. I’d go through all of it again to help somebody suffering.
If you’re struggling with mental illness, or going through something similar right now, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Even when you’re at rock bottom and you can’t possibly see anything ever getting better, it is not the end. The only way left to go from rock bottom is up.
Find someone, or something to fight for.
Even if it’s something small, if it motivates you to get better, use it. The first step to getting better is wanting to get better. You have to want that for yourself. Even though I had those people in my life, getting healthy wouldn’t happen unless my mindset changed and I wanted it for myself. It took a very long time to get there, but I’m so glad that I pushed through and kept fighting. I have a new profound sense of worth that I’ve never had before.
Life is so beautiful and it’s worth living!
You be you. Not someone else’s version of you.
If you are going through the same thing, I hope my story has helped you realize that you are not alone. Feed your mind positive thoughts about yourself and about life. Never give up on yourself. Never stop fighting. You will come out so much stronger in the end! Hopefully, together, we can both say:
I am strong.
I am beautiful just how I am.
I am enough.
I am worthy.
I am loved by God.